We Have Linear Expectations, but Nonlinear Lives

Life when we see it simplified:

born -> baby --> toddler --> entering school for 12 years --> get into college for 4 years --> work/study --> married --> having children --> work --> retired --> taking grandchildren to school --> die

Up to college, I would say I had a very close-to-linear life. Not much uncertainty was going on. Then, years after that, I would say life was more challenging. The trajectory was no longer predictable.

Had anxiety during graduate school.

Failed a wedding I planned, yet found the right man only months after that.

Happily married, then my parent had a heart attack and had to go through surgery.

No children after years of marriage; it turned out I was diagnosed with PCOS.

Worked hard, then a mass layoff happened, and tech winter came. It became hard to trust the industry.

My parent had a stroke, but in the same year, I found out that I was pregnant.

Had a hard time maintaining my sanity while taking care of a baby and keeping my performance at work.

When life felt better, I got laid off.

Got involved in family issues, a challenging time for my whole family.

Now, I have no job. But I still feel like I have no time. My mind is scattered. I feel like I don't know exactly what I want to do. I'm okay with any opportunity but not okay with all opportunities.

Whenever I look at a job description, I feel like: okay, I got to try this one. But at the same time, I'm also like: do I really wanna do this job?

If someone asked what I wanted to do now, I'd say I wanted to read books and write every day when my toddler naps. Then the other part of my brain would question: "Aren't you wasting your capacity? You have so much capability in many things. You did well at school and at your job; your industry and skill set are in demand right now." The thing is... what am I chasing? Because everyone is running, should I run too? What if I hate running and want to take care of my garden? Is it wasting time because gardening is slowing you down? If I'm not making it now, will I ever regret it?

Anyway, this post is not a rant. If anyone is reading it right now, don't worry, I'm fine. I'm not feeling down. I'm just overwhelmed. It has to get better soon. I am fully aware that everyone has their own uncertainty at some point in their life. Like what I faced, this one shall pass too.

I'm present at this moment. I'm tending to my garden.